I have been living with my aunt's family since I first arrived here and frankly I want to move out. They are generally nice people but they are one of the most hypocrite people I know. My aunt's only daughter, my cousin and her family used to live here and I used to bunk with my niece until they moved to their own house this year making it pretty much 7 years of sharing a room. I do not mind the sharing. I am used to it because I shared rooms with my sisters. But, sometimes it can really get annoying when my niece was little but nowadays she is okay well probably due to the fact that she is growing up as well.

I am usually one of those people with strong personalities but put me in front of my cousin and I turn into the biggest wimp. I do not know why but she intimidates the hell out of me. Well, probably because she is the oldest among all cousins or because my one recollection of her was when she was at our house and my sister and I had a disagreement and she scolded the heck out of me. I know that being older she can do that to me but I felt so little that time. I was already in high school when that happened and I guess I still feel little when she speaks to me now. Probably too because she makes everyone feel so little while interacting with her. The thing is, she is in a field now that she is supposed to have the biggest understanding of human behavior but there are times that she is the most judgmental person I know. She thinks she is always right all the time and she thinks that she is above everyone else.

My aunt and uncle were okay when I wasn't living with them but 8 years I guess have been too much. I am getting not only a glimpse into their lives but to so many other things as well that I prefer not to be privy into. There are things I can stand and handle but there are other things that I just cannot seem to get. One of it is the fact that they cant seem to tell me whatever they think they should tell me. They usually channel it through my cousin and she tells me which I then turn into the biggest wimp once again. The irony of all ironies is that fact that my aunt is the biggest devout Catholic I know and yet her only child is no longer a Catholic and is part of a Christian movement. My cousin is part of a group that do not believe in saints and statues and yet her mom has all these religious statues that meet any guest coming into the house. Though inspite of the fact that there are a lot of religious statues here, there is so much negativity in this house that the energy is so heavy sometimes. I seek solitude from it all by shutting myself in my room. That is my refuge from it all.

My aunt is the eldest among all children and yet I do not think she has ever exerted her role as the eldest. She doesn't exert it and yet she is the first to complain that she isn't given the respect that she deserves but then again she doesn't give the same respect that is due her siblings either. There is just no point that they are going to meet.

There are a lot of things but at this point my focus is to move out. I was supposed to when my cousin's initial plan went through. Her parents were supposed to move with them but decided against it before the move. I was going to live at my other aunt's house where I feel more comfortable but olans changed. The only reason why I picked to stay here is because of the fact that it is really accessible to my place of work. If not for that I would have moved by now.

The thing is I feel that the only time I will get to move out is when I get married. =( With no prospect in sight, the probability of that happening is zero to none which is just saddening. My sister is coming soon and we both wish to be able to have our own place eventually. I really hope it pushes through. I know that some of our relatives, out of the goodness of their hearts would wish that we stay where we are but it is really important that we live on our own. Doesn't need to be really fancy as long as its in a nice city, nice neighborhood, affordable price and most of all away from relatives. My relatives are okay to some degree but there are times that some of them annoy me to no end. They have all their issues which cannot be helped that I somehow get involved without meaning too. I am in the middle ground but either groups has found wrong assumptions that I am siding with one more than the other which isn't the case at all. Its all about clashes in personalities which is starting to become annoying. I do not know how long I can take with all these hypocrisy. I just hope soon..soon before my brain turns to mush.