I am broke, big time! Yesterday, there were only 3 bucks in wallet which I had to use to pay for my bus fare. This is awful! Good thing I was able to borrow money from my Lola which would tide me over for the next 2 weeks. I cannot imagine how I was able to manage to stretch $20 for 2 weeks but I did. I think when push comes to shove, people just are able to manage and deal with the situation. I have been out of cash before but not this grave. This is definitely the last time that this is going to happen to me. Never again.

Why am I broke? Well, for one this country that is not even my country of birth is punishing me for being a single working woman. How am I being penalized for earning and not having dependents to claim is beyond me. Of course I could always concoct an imaginary dependent to lessen the heartache but that imaginary dependent may hunt me forever. It is not worth all the agony that I may have to face in the future. So here I am dealing with it the best way I could. Its not comfortable nor amusing but its the reality that I have to face at this point. At least after this, I can breathe a deep sigh of relief because I am done paying the government, well for this year at least. I can now start saving up and this time I mean it. No more making excuses for myself. I am not getting any younger but my expenses are getting bigger. I want to be able to enjoy the fruits of my labor before it is already physically impossible for me to do so.

I really have to set a goal for myself. Something that I would have to stick with. May it be treating myself to a really great vacation, shopping or doing something nice for my family. Anything. Anything that I can set my mind into and focus because that is what I need right now..focus. I should really chant that often...."focus...focus...focus". I was able to survive with the most minimum money possible to live, I am sure I will be able to do this.

Maybe this is what I need...to vent out all the frustrations inside that has been brewing for some time now. I switch back and forth from being apathetic about the whole situation to being confused to being hopeful. Hopeful that maybe today is the day that I will find some answers to so many questions. To find closure for me to finally let it go. Or maybe today is the day that you would come out of your cave and tell me what is in your heart. Its baffling, its irritating, its frustrating but why then do I still continue to persist? I still do not have the answers I don't know when I will find them or if I ever will.