I have been living with my aunt's family since I first arrived here and frankly I want to move out. They are generally nice people but they are one of the most hypocrite people I know. My aunt's only daughter, my cousin and her family used to live here and I used to bunk with my niece until they moved to their own house this year making it pretty much 7 years of sharing a room. I do not mind the sharing. I am used to it because I shared rooms with my sisters. But, sometimes it can really get annoying when my niece was little but nowadays she is okay well probably due to the fact that she is growing up as well.

I am usually one of those people with strong personalities but put me in front of my cousin and I turn into the biggest wimp. I do not know why but she intimidates the hell out of me. Well, probably because she is the oldest among all cousins or because my one recollection of her was when she was at our house and my sister and I had a disagreement and she scolded the heck out of me. I know that being older she can do that to me but I felt so little that time. I was already in high school when that happened and I guess I still feel little when she speaks to me now. Probably too because she makes everyone feel so little while interacting with her. The thing is, she is in a field now that she is supposed to have the biggest understanding of human behavior but there are times that she is the most judgmental person I know. She thinks she is always right all the time and she thinks that she is above everyone else.

My aunt and uncle were okay when I wasn't living with them but 8 years I guess have been too much. I am getting not only a glimpse into their lives but to so many other things as well that I prefer not to be privy into. There are things I can stand and handle but there are other things that I just cannot seem to get. One of it is the fact that they cant seem to tell me whatever they think they should tell me. They usually channel it through my cousin and she tells me which I then turn into the biggest wimp once again. The irony of all ironies is that fact that my aunt is the biggest devout Catholic I know and yet her only child is no longer a Catholic and is part of a Christian movement. My cousin is part of a group that do not believe in saints and statues and yet her mom has all these religious statues that meet any guest coming into the house. Though inspite of the fact that there are a lot of religious statues here, there is so much negativity in this house that the energy is so heavy sometimes. I seek solitude from it all by shutting myself in my room. That is my refuge from it all.

My aunt is the eldest among all children and yet I do not think she has ever exerted her role as the eldest. She doesn't exert it and yet she is the first to complain that she isn't given the respect that she deserves but then again she doesn't give the same respect that is due her siblings either. There is just no point that they are going to meet.

There are a lot of things but at this point my focus is to move out. I was supposed to when my cousin's initial plan went through. Her parents were supposed to move with them but decided against it before the move. I was going to live at my other aunt's house where I feel more comfortable but olans changed. The only reason why I picked to stay here is because of the fact that it is really accessible to my place of work. If not for that I would have moved by now.

The thing is I feel that the only time I will get to move out is when I get married. =( With no prospect in sight, the probability of that happening is zero to none which is just saddening. My sister is coming soon and we both wish to be able to have our own place eventually. I really hope it pushes through. I know that some of our relatives, out of the goodness of their hearts would wish that we stay where we are but it is really important that we live on our own. Doesn't need to be really fancy as long as its in a nice city, nice neighborhood, affordable price and most of all away from relatives. My relatives are okay to some degree but there are times that some of them annoy me to no end. They have all their issues which cannot be helped that I somehow get involved without meaning too. I am in the middle ground but either groups has found wrong assumptions that I am siding with one more than the other which isn't the case at all. Its all about clashes in personalities which is starting to become annoying. I do not know how long I can take with all these hypocrisy. I just hope soon..soon before my brain turns to mush.

WHAT A F&^KING LOAD OF CRAP!!!!!

My sisters are irritating. They think just because I am not in the same ride with them to "la-la-land" I do not have the right to say my piece. Just because I haven't experienced it doesn't mean I can't have an opinion. Screw free speech then! Apparently they are not liking my role as "devil's advocate" because they want to continue to live in their dreamland that all is well in their relationships. Well, reality is, in relationships, they are not always well. And you know what it is fine. There is no perfect relationship!

Just because I do not think the way they do it doesn't mean I do not support them. It doesn't mean I am not happy for them that they are happy. But when is saying something, just because its something they do not want to hear or listen to becomes wrong? I am not saying I am right either because I am not sure if I am but whether if its wrong or right, I should be able to say it. They are called OPINIONS. I read somewhere that "opinions are like a$$holes, everyone got one." Other people's opinions are just a way for people to see the other side. According to Claire, it's just a way for someone to get a different perspective, that not everything is what it seems. That is the point I am driving at. But apparently I am not being supportive. I am being a villain. And who says that just because I have not experienced being in one, erases my right to be able to say something... anything. They feel I am being an intrusion when I say things that they may not want to hear but isn't telling me how to live my life, how to make decisions about my life the same as intrusion? Why is it that when the direction of the words are from eldest to younger siblings, its an intrusion but the very same thing the other way around isn't? Damn those double standards and I thought it is only an issue between men and women, apparently not.

It doesn't mean just because I said it that they have to take it. They can take it or leave it for all I care but it shouldn't stop me from being able to say what I want to say, what I have to say. They are thinking individuals. They are free to make decisions that will be good for them, that is suitable for them but it doesn't make my opinions of any less importance. Apparently I am not allowed to have MY opinions!

I cannot believe how twisted people's minds can be. How is it possible that the same situation and offense be okay with one and not okay in the other? How is it possible that the very same thing that is being done to you now, you were once guilty of and yet you let it slide when it was done to you but not when you were the one doing it? What makes it different? How can you let someone off the hook because supposedly you don't know the whole story and yet when it was pertaining to people who are blood relatives, you chose to believe whatever because it feasts on your ego. Isn't it karma now that the very same thing that you did to your blood relatives is being done to you now by a stranger or by a friend that you thought had your back and yet you don't seem to see the lesson behind it. How can you easily forgive strangers and yet hold on to age old grudges when it comes to blood relatives? Why did you cut the stranger some slack and yet you cant do the same thing to your own flesh and blood? The reason why you want to let it slide is so that the other person would stop from telling people stories but how come that never stopped you? It never stopped you when it was your OWN family's dirty laundry that you were waving in public. Doesn't that come back to you as well? What makes it different now? Supposedly in your mind you didn't do anything to deserve such a treatment from this so called friend but apparently your siblings did or do. Life is telling you something now but it seems that you are still blind and deaf. Doesn't "do not do unto others what you dont want others to do unto you" ring a bell?

I am broke, big time! Yesterday, there were only 3 bucks in wallet which I had to use to pay for my bus fare. This is awful! Good thing I was able to borrow money from my Lola which would tide me over for the next 2 weeks. I cannot imagine how I was able to manage to stretch $20 for 2 weeks but I did. I think when push comes to shove, people just are able to manage and deal with the situation. I have been out of cash before but not this grave. This is definitely the last time that this is going to happen to me. Never again.

Why am I broke? Well, for one this country that is not even my country of birth is punishing me for being a single working woman. How am I being penalized for earning and not having dependents to claim is beyond me. Of course I could always concoct an imaginary dependent to lessen the heartache but that imaginary dependent may hunt me forever. It is not worth all the agony that I may have to face in the future. So here I am dealing with it the best way I could. Its not comfortable nor amusing but its the reality that I have to face at this point. At least after this, I can breathe a deep sigh of relief because I am done paying the government, well for this year at least. I can now start saving up and this time I mean it. No more making excuses for myself. I am not getting any younger but my expenses are getting bigger. I want to be able to enjoy the fruits of my labor before it is already physically impossible for me to do so.

I really have to set a goal for myself. Something that I would have to stick with. May it be treating myself to a really great vacation, shopping or doing something nice for my family. Anything. Anything that I can set my mind into and focus because that is what I need right now..focus. I should really chant that often...."focus...focus...focus". I was able to survive with the most minimum money possible to live, I am sure I will be able to do this.

Maybe this is what I need...to vent out all the frustrations inside that has been brewing for some time now. I switch back and forth from being apathetic about the whole situation to being confused to being hopeful. Hopeful that maybe today is the day that I will find some answers to so many questions. To find closure for me to finally let it go. Or maybe today is the day that you would come out of your cave and tell me what is in your heart. Its baffling, its irritating, its frustrating but why then do I still continue to persist? I still do not have the answers I don't know when I will find them or if I ever will.